Blessings

This post is entirely religious and very personal. If you don't agree with me that's fine, but no negative comments please. Just be respectful. Thank you.

I can't really post about a lot of things that happened today since they're very personal, but I can share some things.

For one thing, I really love my church. I don't know what I would do or where I would be in my life were I not in it, but neither of those answers would be good ones.

Today, my room mate Kristen wasn't feeling well again. This was day 2 that she missed school. So she asked Ryan, our home teacher, if he would come and give her a blessing. He did and brought his room mate, Jeff, to help. (You need 2 or more worthy Priesthood holders to give a blessing in our church). When they came, Emily also asked for a blessing, then I did and then Jessica as well.

Emily and Kristen held out pretty well, but Jessica and I were bawling like babies haha. It was... wonderful, to be honest.

I can't even begin to explain how much relief I felt. So much peace. Comfort is a good word as well, but not quite as much as relief.

Ryan, bless his heart, heard God's message for me VERY clearly. He told me EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I didn't tell him much about what was going on, just that a lot has been stressing me out and that I've been sick and I didn't know what to do. Nothing specific, just that. And yet his answers were everything I needed to hear.

My God, my Father in Heaven loves me. That was the central message I received today. And He knows how hard things have been lately. He really does. But He's always there, waiting to help me when I ask Him to.

I had been talking to Emily about maybe dropping my second major. German is by far my toughest class. I'm really struggling with it and I've been feeling discouraged lately. We were talking about it right before Ryan and Jeff got here. Not even 20 minutes before, and my mentioning it to her was the first time I said anything about it to ANYONE. I had played with the idea before but dismissed it until very recently.

I bring this up because my blessing told me that I need to stick with it. I can't take the easy way out and I know what I need to do. Ryan had NO idea about any of that. He and I are friends, but we're not that close. He doesn't know how hard this has been for me. And yet the right words came out of his mouth. It was a metaphorical slap in the face, but I needed it.

I'm also stretched very thin with all my responsibilities that are each pulling me in a different direction. I tried to dismiss it and tell myself that it's not really all that bad, but Ryan said something about it again. God reassured me, through him, that He knows how little of a balance there is in my life right now and that this, too, is hard. But I know I always have someone to reach out to.

The Savior knows what I'm thinking and feeling and dreaming. He knows everything about me and he felt it all for me and continues to feel it all WITH me. I don't know of many comforts greater than that.

I'm a lucky kid. Without that blessing and the love and support of my amazing room mates and friends, I would never make it through all of this. I don't know how everyone else copes with things like this.

The entire atmosphere of our apartment changed today. There is a warm and calming spirit here tonight where, before they came and blessed us, there was only anxiety and chaos.

After they left, Emily and I decided to go buy ice cream. We walked outside and it was snowing VERY hard. Emily and I love snow. It's the first real snow of the season and we enjoyed every bone-soaking and frozen second of it. It started when we left and stopped moments after we got home. Walking through it warmed my spirits even more. Snow and ice are so comforting to me. I love winter and this was my first taste of it this season. I really needed it, and to me it was just one more little sign of God's love for me.

Life is so hard, but I have so much help.

Thank you everyone for all your support. I feels so wonderful and free right now.

Earlier today, right before they came, I was going to sit down and write something that came to me earlier today. It was full of angst and pain. I like the story, but it's not really cheerful. Once Ryan and Jeff had come and gone, though, I found myself unable to write it at all.

Isn't that wonderful?

I'm such a lucky kid. I just wish there were more ways to sing my God's praises and to give thanks to Him for everything He has done for me, even just today.

Tomorrow is going to be rough. Carson is taking Katie to the MTC (missionary training center) and I know it's going to be a struggle for everyone to get through. But now I'm ready.

With God on my side, I can do ANYTHING. Even in German.

Night all. I love you all so very much. Thank you for reading my blog.

♥♥♥

My Family

My last post was about stopping hatred. I don't enjoy hearing about all the CHILDREN in this country committing suicide because they felt like no one loved them.

I have many gay friends and even some gay nakama (friends that are family). My own twin is gay. I want to take a minute to share some of their stories.

There is more to this than there seems.

I love these people. They are little monsters just like everyone else and I love them for everything they are and everything they will become.

This is my twin, Hikaru. (His real name is Stephen). We're not biologically related, but we might as well be. We met 2 years ago and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways. I can be myself around him at all times. I never have to hide my thoughts or feelings because he always understands them. I'm SO lucky to have him in my life. I really don't know what I would do without him. I haven't seen him in a long time, but it's ok. We talk a lot and that's the best we can do right now.

He has two younger siblings and lives with his mother at the moment. He loves drawing, dancing, and driving fast. He swears just as much as I do and he loves cracking stupid jokes that sometimes only I ever understand.

He plays video games a LOT. We get lost for hours in the world of fantasy and love every second of it.

He is a kind and loving soul that would do anything for his friends or his boyfriend, Khrys. He deals with a lot of stuff every day, especially here in this very religious community. But he makes it though with huge smiles and loud laughs.

I love you baby. Thank you for being the best twin I could have ever asked for.

This is Nicole. She has been my best friend for 3 years and she's absolutely wonderful. She and I met in Erie, PA on September 29, 2007. About a week after that we were talking for several hours a day. I rarely click with people so fast, but she's definitely an exception. She's had a difficult life. Her father's story is a complicated one that I don't really have the right to repeat without her permission. I don't think they have much of a relationship at all.

She lives in the middle of nowhere now, but she makes the best of it. She loves everyone that doesn't hate her. She constantly goes through relationships, looking for something of substance.

She's an amazing model. She's been in several of my photoshoots and she looks gorgeous every time, no matter what I dress her in. Whether there's make-up, dirt, or (fake) blood on her face, she's always photogenic.

She smokes a lot but she doesn't smell like it. It amuses me. She loves her little brother Jake more than just about anything. She works a full-time desk job for an insurance company and she puts up with a lot of hatred from a lot of people.

She's suffered severe heart ache, heard a lot of hateful things from a lot of people, survived rape and a lot of other awful things. And yet she comes out with a radiant smile and a laugh to shake the sky.

She's always there for me when I need her, quick to reassure me that I am awesome and that I am loved.

She's been such a blessing in my life and I don't know what I would do without her.

I love you baby girl. ♥

This is Jon. I've known him since my second year of high school, and I am one lucky kid. I don't know anyone more loving or accepting than Jon. His family moved to the Burgh from New York City after his wonderful, amazing father suffered a heart attack and died, God rest his soul. He doesn't let it bring him down though.

I don't know of a single day that's gone by where Jon didn't laugh and dance his way through everything. He fought to graduate from high school and I couldn't have been prouder of him when he did. I know it was hard for him.

He tried college a couple of times, but he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. So right now he works and lives with his mother, one of the kindest souls I've ever had the privilege to know. She needs him and he knows it. Sometimes I know he wants to leave, but he won't as long as she needs him to stay.

He knows how to make me smile no matter the circumstances. He knows how to listen and he knows how to talk (HOLY SHIT DOES HE EVER). =D

He's encouraged me through all my exploits in to photography and he cosplays with me and fangirls with me. He raves to the same music that I love and he's never said a negative thing about me. He does his best to make everyone around him happy and he's good at it.

He loves Invader Zim, Firefly, and the Legend of Zelda. Our video game parties are the best!

His dogs - Delilah and Satan - can be annoying, but I know he loves them.

"Bear," you better take care of my Jon. I love him, so don't you go breaking him.

This is Khrys, my twin's boyfriend. It's not the most... flattering(?) picture ever, but I freaking love it. So there it is. Khrys has dealt with a lot too. Seems to be a common theme, no?

His father mentally abused his mother so badly that eventually she left. Khrys then got to hear all about how it was his fault the whole time he was growing up. I really hate his father. He used him, abused him, and I feel like he doesn't give a shit about him. And I don't understand how.

Khrys is amazing. He really is. No matter how many women came and went in his father's life, he stayed strong even though I know it was hard. His personality is one of resilience. He's loud and boisterous and he lets his wants and needs be known. At least around his friends anyway. Around others he can be shy and rather withdrawn, but I almost never see that side of him. One might even say he's somewhat demanding and he loves attention. It's what makes him Khrys.

He's loved my twin for such a long time and I know that it's really love. I don't care if it's some sort of sin or anything. They take care of one another and that's what matters. End of story.

This is Rachel. I've also known her since sophomore year of high school.

Rachel is an interesting character. She's jumped back and forth from men to women and changed her mind about various things so many times it makes my head spin. She doesn't always get the facts right when she tells you things, but her heart is generally in the right place. She's fiercely loyal to her friends and I respect her a lot for it. She's made a lot of serious life changes over the years and sometimes I don't understand the things she does. But I love her and that's what matters. She and Tarsis have been together for at least a year (perhaps 2?) and they're still going strong. They both have very strong opinions about just about everything and are very open about their feelings. Sometimes I don't always want to know, but there's never a dull moment to be had when they're around.

She's another of my favorite models, and I'm sure anyone could see why. She's a unique and beautiful soul and I love her no matter what she does.

This is Kristy, another of my adopted siblings. My little sister is a nut. An absolute nut. She loves everything related to Japan and Disney. Good things to love. She loves anime and manga and she's a pretty decent cosplayer. She always finds reasons to be happy and gets through even the worst of times without bringing those around her down. I remember when her grandfather died, God rest his soul, she texted me to tell me. When I asked her if there was anything I could do for her or her family, all she said was she was glad I cared and that I listened while she told me how she was feeling. She tries not to make her problems anyone else's problem and that's a quality I think we could all use a bit more of.

I don't know what she's going to do once she graduates from high school, but the world had better look out! It won't know what's hit it. =)

(She is bi-sexual, just for the record.)

I could go on and on and on, sharing stories of so many more people. I don't want to completely clog up the page with my sentimentality, so I'll just share a couple more pictures and the names attached.

This is Megan (the one in the back). She is one of the dearest friends I have ever had. She left an abusive, unloving home and is now on her way to becoming an engineer. I am SO proud of her. ♥ (And, just for the record, she is bi-sexual as well.)

I haven't known Engel nearly as long as I would like, but she's a kind and sweet girl. She, too, has had a lot of hardship in her life, but it doesn't stop her from loving everyone around her.

Saki is crazy! I love her soooo much. She works hard in school and balances volunteer work with lots of drama and other things. She cares about her family above all else. I'm proud to call her my friend.

Amelia and I go way back. It's hard to remember a time that I didn't know her, but we really haven't known each other all that long. She was on stage crew when I was in shows. We've been through a LOT of shit together. It's taken some fighting, laughter, and tears, but our friendship has survived, even when we didn't talk for almost 2 years. None of it matters now and I'm so grateful to have her back.

I could go on and on forever. I really could. But I won't. I'll leave it here with these wonderful people that I am blessed to know. My life would be so much less colorful and beautiful without them. I would never be where I am now without my amazing and wonderful nakama.

Don't you see the love in their faces? The joy? Do you think their being gay makes them any less human? Any less loving or loved? It doesn't. How could something like that take away from the beautiful souls inside them?

I want to remind you all that "gay" is not a dirty word. It's not disgusting or embarrassing. It's a state of being. That's all. They shouldn't be AFRAID of telling the world their own stories. "Coming out" shouldn't be such a big deal.

I can't imagine the pain some of these beautiful people have felt when people they loved - be it a mother, brother, friend, or whomever - rejected them when they trusted them enough to tell them a secret that scared them. How would you feel if someone did that to you?

Why should it be a secret? It only causes pain.

Again, my opinion on the political side of this doesn't matter. I just want everyone to be happy and know that they are loved. Because you are! All of you are beautiful and wonderful and so very precious. The world would be a much darker place if the light in your hearts were to suddenly be gone.

Stay strong. The world will get better. Things WILL work out as long as someone has a voice and speaks for those who are shamed in to silence.

Who do you know? We all know someone. Whose stories can you share?

I want to hear them all.

Let me leave you one last thing.

This is my favorite picture out of the thousands and thousands that I've taken in my life. Pictured are Jon and Rachel, both of whom I talked about in this blog entry.

Have you seen many things more beautiful than this? I haven't, and I've been all over the world looking. Their love and joy are plain on their faces. They add color to the world and it's beautiful.

There is no greater beauty than the love between two humans, no matter what direction it's coming from and no matter the connotation it has.

My religious views don't matter. They're still people and I still love them, no matter whom else they choose to devote their own love to.

I don't care if you think I am wrong. You may say so, but please do it respectfully. I don't try to bring you down for what you think and I expect the same level of respect from all of you. This is a difficult subject for me to talk about because of my religion and my personal beliefs. It's always created conflict in my heart, but I choose to put it aside and stand up for the ones I love. To me, that's far more important.

I am not their judge, just as they are not mine. That's God's job. Mine is to do all I can for all my brothers and sisters in this world, and for now this is the best I can do besides loving them with all my might.

Thank you all for being my friends.

♥ ♥ ♥

Considerations

Oh MAN! SO much is going on that I need to consider! Gah!

I wish I had more time on my hands.

Ok, so here's the list:

1. Banzai.

Do I go or not? It would be fun, sure. But worth it? I don't know. If Saki and Engel haven't worked things out by then, I REALLY don't want to go cause that's NOT what I want to deal with. Plus it's expensive. But it's also something I miss a lot. And there are people there that I haven't seen in 2 years now... including one of my "adopted" younger sisters. But I also don't know if I can get the car from my brother anyway... Rawr. Plus it's the weekend of my 21st birthday. I don't know if that's really how I want to spend it.

2. My Birthday

Besides the above, there are other things to consider. Do I want to celebrate it at all? Or just let it go peacefully by? I can't decide. I'm really tempted to ask for a sewing machine for my birthday. I know it's big, but I also don't care if it comes out of my Christmas gifts. It's the only thing I really want. I MISS sewing. And I'm good at it, so why let it go by? I need to talk to my dad about it. Also... I'm worried someone very important to me (who I won't name online just now) will forget my birthday because of certain distractions that have, lately, seemed more important than anything else in his/her life. I don't want to say anything. Maybe my worries will be unfounded... If ANYONE else forgot I wouldn't care. It happens. But... anyway. Moving on.

3. NaNoWriMo (link for those who don't know what it is)

I didn't get to do it last year because I was sick. But I want to. This year I have a good idea - very undeveloped, but I like it anyway. But what with school and work, I don't know if I'll have time and energy. Of course, my education class will be over by then so I'll have more time, but I get the sinking feeling that I'll need it for other things haha. So we'll see. Maybe if I can get one or more of my friends to do it with me... Emily can't this year due to school and other obligations. Megan is always busy so I don't know if she will. Carolyn might... we keep trying to get that to work. We'll see.

4. My Sister

(If you're reading this, just know it's on my mind, not a problem)

She's coming out here in January! Yay! It's finally official!! Which I really do think is awesome.

However, the place I've found for her to stay is in my own apartment (one of my room mates is getting married in December! Yay Jessica!!). And as much fun as it sounds, it could really create some problems. I REALLY want her to live in this building with me and our brother, but it makes me nervous living in the same apartment. I'm just afraid of a clash of personalities and habits. I mean... Kristen and Jessica get along very well and they're sisters. It's just been a while since she and I lived in the same place. And I get anxious about most things. So blah.

5. My Brother

I love him to death! He's the best brother I could have ever asked for... usually. It used to be ALWAYS, hands down, but lately it's been harder. What with his girlfriend leaving soon, he's acting a LOT different. And I can't blame him at all - I'm sure I would be the same in some respects - but it's still hard. He's hurting himself more by doing... everything he's doing and I don't like to see it. And I don't ever get to see him or borrow the car - even to get groceries. It's been a frustrating month. And once she's gone, he'll be extremely depressed. He's even planning on being so BEFORE she leaves. Yes, I did say "planning." I don't get it. And I guess I don't have to. But it's always at the back of my mind, nagging me. -sigh-

6. School

I don't feel like I'm trying hard enough, but I don't have the time or energy right now to try any harder. I'm sick and tired enough as it is and I can't push myself any harder. I'll only get sick. So what do I do? Stick it out, I guess? Well whatever. I just want to learn.

I'm allowed to keep both my majors, did I say that? And the minor I have and add on the one that I wanted to. Yay!!! (I know it sounds crazy, but once all the paper-work is taken care of I'll explain).

Anyway it's late now and I've whined enough. I need to shower and get some serious sleep. I'm exhausted.

Sorry there's nothing amusing in this entry. And no pictures. I know it makes blogs less interesting to everyone. But I'm too tired to really care right now.

OH! One good note.

4 more German CDs have been acquired by yours truly. All of LaFee's stuff. I'm still listening to it for the first time, but I really like it all so far. =D Yay German music! I like it a lot better than American/English music XD (as stated before)

Oh yeah... meme... I'll do it later. Sorry all.

Night!! Sleep is ♥ And yet, sadly, I don't get nearly enough of it. Oh the life of a student~

30-Day Getting to Know You Posting, part 3

Ok well. THAT didn't work. I got home just fine, but then I crashed for a few hours. I'm feeling slightly better now. Haven't studied for my German test at all, but hey. I can take it Tuesday if I really have to. I'm gonna study this evening hopefully. I really hope I feel up to it. Mostly I feel up to curling in to a ball.

But anyway! Meme time!!

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends.

This challenge is difficult for me for 2 reasons. 1 is that I have many friends, most of whom don't know one another. 2 is that, when photos are taken, I'm usually the photographer. So I'm going to post a few pictures from different times and places since that's about the best I can offer haha. (also, many links are included to potentially interesting/confusing things talked about in this post).

This picture is of me and my friend Jon. We were doing a toned down Steam Punk photoshoot. It was thrown together at the last minute, so our costumes are only so-so, and we have no props. But it was FUN! (This was taken in November 2009 - almost a year ago! Wow time flies haha)

This is from a different shoot. I'm not in it, but I don't have pictures of me with most of these people, so I chose it anyway haha. This was taken in the library "downtown." We had to fight for those stairs haha. Three bridal photoshoots were going on as well as a wedding. We sure know how to pick um, eh? People pictured: my "twin" Matt (far left), Khrys (back left), Engel (center), and Saki (back right). Taken March this year.

This one is one of the many "Boy Band" photos we attempted to take throughout the summer. I LOVE this picture. People: Lauren (bottom left), me (center), Michele (bottom right), Spawn of Satan (back left), Haylee (back center), Emily R (back right). This was taken in Schwerin, Germany back in June.

This one is just awesome. I have very few photos of my best friend Carolyn (center). The few I have are few and far between. We keep planning on doing shoots together, but we end up having too much fun to remember haha. We dyed her hair blue last year. This was taken during the process. You can see some stray dye on her forehead haha. Left is Matt again, Khrys is on the right, looking tired XD. I love them all -heart-

These two go together. The first one is for technical reasons since I'm in it haha. It was taken at the top of the Kölner Dom. The second one is actually of the two people I wanted to show haha. We hiked up to the Bonn Castle They are Tobi and Lisa, my German brother and his girlfriend. I love them sooooooo much. I stayed with them in Bonn after my study abroad in Berlin. It was definitely one of the best weeks of my life. They're two of the kindest, most wonderful people I know. And one day, my German will be better than their English. Mwa ha ha!~

This one wasn't going to be added, but it seemed especially important right now. This is me and my older brother after the Hare Krishna Festival of Colors (which can be seen all over us both haha) at the end of March. The celebration here is HUGE!! It was fantastic. =D

This is the last one, I promise, but it is quite possibly the most important. I definitely have to say that September 29, 2007 was in the top 5 best days of my life. Everything went perfectly. This photo was taken in Erie by Tim, who works for Deathcom (who took this photo. I don't want to scan my copy, so I'm borrowing theirs). These people are some of the best I have ever known. We call ourselves a family, though we aren't related (apart from myself and my sister). They've helped me in more ways than I can ever thank them for. We met on that day as strangers, wanting nothing more than to cosplay Fruits Basket as a big group, and left on that day as family. They're amazing and I love them all more than words can express. People pictured: (back row) Whitney, Brittany, Whitney's (now) ex whose name I've long forgotten, me, Lauren (my sister), Jamey. (front row) Nicole, Emily, Angela.

There are so many more friends not pictured here, but I don't want to kill the internet trying to upload them. I'm sure many of them will be featured here at some point or another in the future. We'll see haha.

...The internet should know better than to ask me for pictures. At least this makes me happy ^^;; lol.