The Madness has Begun!!

It's November 2nd everyone!! And that means NaNoWriMo has officially begun! How awesome is that?!

Yesterday was something of a rough day for me. I missed German AGAIN because I couldn't get up! SO FRUSTRATING. I got quite a bit of work done though. I need to come to the library more often to study. It helps me focus better. And even when I get distracted, I always end up going back to what I was doing. If I'm at home, I have this tendency to give it up and start something else ^^;; whoops.

Anyway. Nano.

I was really eager to get going on it, but I didn't actually start until last night. Sunday I threw a Halloween/Reformation day party and two of my friends were there really late. By the time they left it was already 11:30 but I was too exhausted to stay up and start NaNo write at midnight like I have before. I went to bed and crashed.

I didn't want to make NaNo a priority over school because it really shouldn't be. So I used it to my advantage! I didn't allow myself to write it AT ALL until my other work was done. I didn't start writing until after 10pm! And yet, in an hour and a half, I had 1,759 words! Yay! And I don't hate it! It's an introduction which I always dread writing, but it turned out really well =D

I'm happy.

Today I also have a lot of work to do. I was also the first one up this morning. Yay me! Even before Emily, which almost NEVER happens =D It was a good start. I was one of the last ones to leave, but that's ok. I had a nice and relaxing morning. My bed is made, I actually ate breakfast for once, and I'm ready to go for the rest of my day! Yay!! =D

I don't even know what else to say. I'm sleepy but it's probably the music. I have to listen to classical/baroque style music for my French Civ class and write about it. I love that my homework assignment is on Pandora. XD It's pretty great.

Isaiah project = total crap. I don't like how it's going. I might switch to a lesson plan. Who knows? I'm just not doing very well with it. It's due on the 11th or the 12th, I can't remember which. It means I'm running out of time. I'm doing very well with my French project, but because of that I've been slacking in this one.

Why does my school insist on making religion classes so hard? I don't get it. It makes me resent taking them. -sigh- Oh well. Next semester my teacher is supposed to be pretty easy. Here's hoping, right?

Anyway, time to get back to work.

Toodles!

And, just to PROVE how awesome I am, take a look!! (I had more written on it, but the file was too big so I cropped it. Ignore that other random stuff plz XD lol thnx)

NaNo Meme

Bored. Not wanting to do homework for the next 2 hours. Rawr.

NANOWRIMO MEME!!!!

Working Title: Humanoid City
Genre: Science Fiction
Projected Word Count: uh...?

AT THE START DO YOU:
Have an outline?: yes
Know how it starts?: not really... I don't know which story I'll put first
Know how it ends?: same. Though I think I'll end it with a chapter about how things turned out for everyone.
Have your climax in order?: sure.
Know your main characters yet?: Most of them.
Plan to draw on your own experiences?: Some instances. Not too many though.

IS YOUR WORK GOING TO BE:
Funny?: Not really.
Serious?: Pretty much.
Sad?: Sometimes
Semi-Autobiographical?: Only one part of one chapter
Based on another story?: Nope. I'm reusing a couple characters whose own stories got scrapped though

HOW MUCH HAVE YOU PLANNED? HAVE YOU USED:
A paper journal?: notebook
Multicolored pens?: yep :D
A computer?: yesh
Index cards?: nope
Bulleted lists?: eh... somewhat.
Plot Charts?: Nah
Character Charts?: Not really
Character formulas?: Wha?
Favorite writing resource?: My Crazy Mind

ODDS AND ENDS:
A line you would like to use: "Don't worry. Seriously. If anyone tries to stop you, I'll drop kick them in the face. I have enough money that it won't matter."
A scene you would like to include: A scene where one of the characters (Jim) is up all night working because he can't bring himself to stop. I figure I'll pull an all nighter for that one and base it on the others I've done.
A cliché you would like to avoid: All of them?

FORWARD THINKING:
Do you expect to be able to complete it?: In November? Possibly not. We'll see how school goes.
Do you intend to complete it?: Oh yes. For sure. Like I said though, we'll see.
Would you ever try to publish it?: Yeah. Once it's been polished up and everything.
What do you expect to get out of this month of frantic writing?: Motivation and better time planning. I'm slacking and having NaNo gives me more to do. I always do better when I have too much to do than not enough.

School Nazis

I'm totally skipping German today. Oops. I didn't get nearly enough work done yesterday and I had to stay up WAY too late. So I slept in and now I'm going to work through German class. I should be leaving... now actually haha. To get there on time I mean. But I'm not going.

I love German, don't get me wrong. It's the language closest to my heart even though it's the 4th one I've attempted to learn. (Japanese hardly counts on that front... I usually count German as my 3rd language.) I wish I were better at it, but to get better one of the things I SHOULD do is go to class. But it's so STRESSFUL!!!

I can't even say how many times I've wanted to call my professor a Nazi like I and many others in this country call their teachers. I guess it's an American thing because it's not exactly funny... just descriptive in something of a hyperbolic (that's actually a word?!?!) way. But I can't do that with this specific professor. Why? Cause he was in Germany during the war. And he was like... 10? when it started. His father was on one side of the wall and he and his family were on the other. Not funny.

BUT GRAH!!! What else do I call him??? T.T We're apparently really uncreative.

All tough teacher references I've EVER heard involve communists, dictators, and Nazis. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?!?! There are SOOOOO many words in the world!! Why can't we come up with something better?? Or different that I can use??

Anyway. I'm not going because I'm not prepared because I had other obligations. I'm behind in EVERYTHING because I'm human and need sleep and food and stuff. And going unprepared is stressful beyond imagining. I WANT to go, but the class is so small and he likes calling me. We've known one another for a while so he usually calls on me or one of the other kids who went to Berlin. (He was the program director, did I say that yet? No? Ok. Well he was.)

I really do love him. He's awesome. But he's a REALLY rough teacher to have. My room mate is in his medieval German class and she says it's ridiculous there too. At least German is HER primary major. It's not mine and my experience of it (or really lack thereof) is putting me in a SEVERELY difficult position. I'm already behind and I don't know how it's even possible for me to catch up. So I get discouraged. And then I don't go to class. Vicious cycle, ne?

Anyway I need to get to work. Need to finish my French project today. I only have until the 12th (I think) for my Isaiah project and I have almost nothing on it so far. My French project is just a matter of compiling all the information I already have and making it look pretty. Oh and flourishing it all up with references. Official ones haha.

This weekend is going to be long. Tomorrow night I get to go to Maddie's halloween party and Sunday is my day off. Whoo... I can do this. Not even 36 hours. Go team!!!

P.S. Dad told me he's buying me a car. o.O Awesome? yes. Oh and starting me on a budget.

And that he wants me to go to Law School for international law or business. Which sounds cool to me. But yeah.... that's gonna take some thought. I hate nothing more than entrance exams, but it'd be worth it in the long run, no?

I think I mentioned this before... who knows. Last post was written during moments of utter exhaustion. So yeah.... doesn't count for much.

David was hard to wake up and kick out of my kitchen ^^;;; At least I got in to all the classes I wanted. CLASSES THREE DAYS A WEEK FTW!!! \o/ I'm excited haha.

Ok done now. Bye! =D

Exhausted

I'm writing this very late at night. Well, for me at least.

Lots of things have been going on lately for a lot of the people in my life.

My brother's girlfriend is gone. Yesterday was their 9 month anniversary and also the day he took her to the missionary training center. She's just down the street and he can't even see her.

I don't know what's going on with David, my almost-brother, but something is up. I asked him what was going on and he was thinking of a response. Or so he said. In actuality, he fell asleep with his head on my kitchen table.

Emily is losing a lot of wonderful people for a lot of different reasons. She's going through a rough time and the school work is piling up.

There are more but it doesn't really matter.

Right now, I want to do everything I can for everyone. I want to be there for everyone! But it's just not possible. I really hate that. I want to be there for my friends, but I'm already behind in school and at work. Work doesn't really matter so much, but I won't get paid any if I don't work. -sigh- It doesn't really matter, but I don't want to slack off at my job just because my boss doesn't care all that much how many hours I work each week.

At the same time, my dad is now pushing me in the direction of Law School. He thinks I should try international business or law. It sounds appealing to me, I have to admit. I wanted to go to law school when I was younger, which was then replaced by the desire to go to medical school. The want to be a forensic scientist fazed in a out as the years went by. The thought of being a teacher has always been there, but it's had its shining moments and its moments of neglect.

There's a lot on my mind, but I'm surprisingly calm. Two projects due before too long and they're very time-consuming. Almost boring. I know the material for the most part and just have to get it all out and in the proper language. I have SO much work to do and very little energy to do it all WITH.

My responsibilities are pulling me in several different directions. I don't like having to choose between two good and important things. For instance, I missed the fireside (devotional) tonight because Carson came over and we ate dinner together. Family v. spiritual responsibilities. Tough decision for me to make.

Anyway I'm really tired. Thank goodness for caffeine or I never would have survived this late. I was planning on working until midnight when I can sign up for classes for next semester, but it didn't end up happening. David is rather distracting.

I just want everyone to be happy. =)

NaNo Jitters

AHHH! NaNoWriMo starts next week!!! I'm so excited. It's only a few days away! =D

Of course, I'm trying to psych myself up for it, but it's hard to do that and not DIE when I don't actually write my story.

I just downloaded this program and am trying it out on a trial basis. It seems really cool! And my trial lasts 30 days, so just short of the end of November. That could be problematic in the future haha. I just wanted to try it before I decide whether or not it's worth paying for, you know? It seems really awesome.

I'm moving all of my notes from a word doc over to this one. It's time consuming, which is good. I need to figure out the finer points of the program still, but that gives me something to do, right? And it's working on my story without writing anything. When the times comes, it needs to be set up already or I'll get behind.

It's gonna let me put pictures, music, videos, and notes all in the same place! How convenient! Haha. I'm excited.

I finished my French homework for the day. Now I just need to read for my Isaiah class. I should also try to get going on my French project so I can spend tomorrow and Saturday morning on my Isaiah project. It's gonna be a tough month, November, until I get the projects finished. They're so much work! Oh well. I signed up for this haha.

I register for winter classes tonight. Registration opens at midnight, so that means I have to stay up when I've been known to be in bed by 9:30 XD haha. It's gonna be killer, but if I don't I may not get a place in some of my classes, and I can't handle that. Being a double major with a pre-approved and set schedule makes this stressful. I could be in serious trouble if I don't take the classes when I need to/when I said I would. So we'll see I guess.

If all goes according to plan though, I'll only have classes MWF. I've never had a schedule where I didn't have at least one class every day. I'm looking forward to it. =D Sleeping in a couple times a week would be awesome. Getting up at 6:30 today was brutal. My classes don't start until noon.

I'm used to getting up early, but I'm not used to having so much time in the mornings. I feel like I should be working, but I'm obviously not. Maybe I should get on that...

I'm tired. My alarm clock went off, but it was silent. Rawr. I hate it when it does that. It almost never happens anymore. Lucky me I woke up only half an hour later anyway.

Ok. Back to the books. (And by that, I mean NaNo stuff. School will be later).

Blessings

This post is entirely religious and very personal. If you don't agree with me that's fine, but no negative comments please. Just be respectful. Thank you.

I can't really post about a lot of things that happened today since they're very personal, but I can share some things.

For one thing, I really love my church. I don't know what I would do or where I would be in my life were I not in it, but neither of those answers would be good ones.

Today, my room mate Kristen wasn't feeling well again. This was day 2 that she missed school. So she asked Ryan, our home teacher, if he would come and give her a blessing. He did and brought his room mate, Jeff, to help. (You need 2 or more worthy Priesthood holders to give a blessing in our church). When they came, Emily also asked for a blessing, then I did and then Jessica as well.

Emily and Kristen held out pretty well, but Jessica and I were bawling like babies haha. It was... wonderful, to be honest.

I can't even begin to explain how much relief I felt. So much peace. Comfort is a good word as well, but not quite as much as relief.

Ryan, bless his heart, heard God's message for me VERY clearly. He told me EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I didn't tell him much about what was going on, just that a lot has been stressing me out and that I've been sick and I didn't know what to do. Nothing specific, just that. And yet his answers were everything I needed to hear.

My God, my Father in Heaven loves me. That was the central message I received today. And He knows how hard things have been lately. He really does. But He's always there, waiting to help me when I ask Him to.

I had been talking to Emily about maybe dropping my second major. German is by far my toughest class. I'm really struggling with it and I've been feeling discouraged lately. We were talking about it right before Ryan and Jeff got here. Not even 20 minutes before, and my mentioning it to her was the first time I said anything about it to ANYONE. I had played with the idea before but dismissed it until very recently.

I bring this up because my blessing told me that I need to stick with it. I can't take the easy way out and I know what I need to do. Ryan had NO idea about any of that. He and I are friends, but we're not that close. He doesn't know how hard this has been for me. And yet the right words came out of his mouth. It was a metaphorical slap in the face, but I needed it.

I'm also stretched very thin with all my responsibilities that are each pulling me in a different direction. I tried to dismiss it and tell myself that it's not really all that bad, but Ryan said something about it again. God reassured me, through him, that He knows how little of a balance there is in my life right now and that this, too, is hard. But I know I always have someone to reach out to.

The Savior knows what I'm thinking and feeling and dreaming. He knows everything about me and he felt it all for me and continues to feel it all WITH me. I don't know of many comforts greater than that.

I'm a lucky kid. Without that blessing and the love and support of my amazing room mates and friends, I would never make it through all of this. I don't know how everyone else copes with things like this.

The entire atmosphere of our apartment changed today. There is a warm and calming spirit here tonight where, before they came and blessed us, there was only anxiety and chaos.

After they left, Emily and I decided to go buy ice cream. We walked outside and it was snowing VERY hard. Emily and I love snow. It's the first real snow of the season and we enjoyed every bone-soaking and frozen second of it. It started when we left and stopped moments after we got home. Walking through it warmed my spirits even more. Snow and ice are so comforting to me. I love winter and this was my first taste of it this season. I really needed it, and to me it was just one more little sign of God's love for me.

Life is so hard, but I have so much help.

Thank you everyone for all your support. I feels so wonderful and free right now.

Earlier today, right before they came, I was going to sit down and write something that came to me earlier today. It was full of angst and pain. I like the story, but it's not really cheerful. Once Ryan and Jeff had come and gone, though, I found myself unable to write it at all.

Isn't that wonderful?

I'm such a lucky kid. I just wish there were more ways to sing my God's praises and to give thanks to Him for everything He has done for me, even just today.

Tomorrow is going to be rough. Carson is taking Katie to the MTC (missionary training center) and I know it's going to be a struggle for everyone to get through. But now I'm ready.

With God on my side, I can do ANYTHING. Even in German.

Night all. I love you all so very much. Thank you for reading my blog.

♥♥♥

The Morning Conspiracy

I have figured it out! It took me several years to do it, but eureka! I finally understand.

I am at my most productive in the mornings. I am NOT a morning person. Problem? Yes.

This morning I got up at 5:30. Not too bad right? And I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I used to think 9:30 was the worst bed-time ever. It was torture when I was a kid. But now? Early nights are the best!

Yet, even with so much sleep, I still have a hard time getting up in the mornings. Once I'm up I'm fine, but getting out of bed is the worst!! And I have discovered that this is a conspiracy.

My body is lazy. My mind is not. So there is an eternal struggle. Which side do I listen to? Usually my mind, but yesterday my body won HARD CORE. I was supposed to get up between 5:30 and 6. I slept until 11. I NEVER do that. I even missed my only Monday class because of it and now I keep thinking it's Monday rather than Tuesday. Really confusing, let me tell you.

My body and my bed have conspired against me! Bed gets extra comfortable in the morning and body refuses to let me move. In fact, I kept being forced back to sleep yesterday! So it can't possibly be my fault that I missed German class, right? RIGHT?!

Yeah I know. This post is ridiculous. I just don't wanna do my homework this morning. But I must!

Katie (my brother's girlfriend) is leaving on her mission tomorrow. She came by on Sunday to see everyone one more time, but my brother thought (for a very incomprehensible reason) that I was not here, so they didn't come by. =( Now I have to hurry and get my work done so I can see her before my classes start (which isn't until noon thank goodness).

So here I am, 6:30 am, freezing cold and with wet hair in the kitchen, setting myself up for some serious amounts of work and classes don't start for 5.5 hours. Rawr.

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone! I wish people would comment... I love hearing from people. So if you have a sec, share some love! =) It would brighten up my very dark and very cold Tuesday.

(And I know I'm whining, but it's supposed to snow today and it's not even Halloween! I thought I had escaped Halloween snow when I left the Burgh, but I guess I was mistaken haha).

Bye all!

P.S. My global warfare is spreading! I have readers in Denmark, the UK, the US, Germany, France, Japan, and Russia! It makes me happy. =) Thanks again everyone! Have a wonderful day!!

My Family

My last post was about stopping hatred. I don't enjoy hearing about all the CHILDREN in this country committing suicide because they felt like no one loved them.

I have many gay friends and even some gay nakama (friends that are family). My own twin is gay. I want to take a minute to share some of their stories.

There is more to this than there seems.

I love these people. They are little monsters just like everyone else and I love them for everything they are and everything they will become.

This is my twin, Hikaru. (His real name is Stephen). We're not biologically related, but we might as well be. We met 2 years ago and he's changed my life in so many wonderful ways. I can be myself around him at all times. I never have to hide my thoughts or feelings because he always understands them. I'm SO lucky to have him in my life. I really don't know what I would do without him. I haven't seen him in a long time, but it's ok. We talk a lot and that's the best we can do right now.

He has two younger siblings and lives with his mother at the moment. He loves drawing, dancing, and driving fast. He swears just as much as I do and he loves cracking stupid jokes that sometimes only I ever understand.

He plays video games a LOT. We get lost for hours in the world of fantasy and love every second of it.

He is a kind and loving soul that would do anything for his friends or his boyfriend, Khrys. He deals with a lot of stuff every day, especially here in this very religious community. But he makes it though with huge smiles and loud laughs.

I love you baby. Thank you for being the best twin I could have ever asked for.

This is Nicole. She has been my best friend for 3 years and she's absolutely wonderful. She and I met in Erie, PA on September 29, 2007. About a week after that we were talking for several hours a day. I rarely click with people so fast, but she's definitely an exception. She's had a difficult life. Her father's story is a complicated one that I don't really have the right to repeat without her permission. I don't think they have much of a relationship at all.

She lives in the middle of nowhere now, but she makes the best of it. She loves everyone that doesn't hate her. She constantly goes through relationships, looking for something of substance.

She's an amazing model. She's been in several of my photoshoots and she looks gorgeous every time, no matter what I dress her in. Whether there's make-up, dirt, or (fake) blood on her face, she's always photogenic.

She smokes a lot but she doesn't smell like it. It amuses me. She loves her little brother Jake more than just about anything. She works a full-time desk job for an insurance company and she puts up with a lot of hatred from a lot of people.

She's suffered severe heart ache, heard a lot of hateful things from a lot of people, survived rape and a lot of other awful things. And yet she comes out with a radiant smile and a laugh to shake the sky.

She's always there for me when I need her, quick to reassure me that I am awesome and that I am loved.

She's been such a blessing in my life and I don't know what I would do without her.

I love you baby girl. ♥

This is Jon. I've known him since my second year of high school, and I am one lucky kid. I don't know anyone more loving or accepting than Jon. His family moved to the Burgh from New York City after his wonderful, amazing father suffered a heart attack and died, God rest his soul. He doesn't let it bring him down though.

I don't know of a single day that's gone by where Jon didn't laugh and dance his way through everything. He fought to graduate from high school and I couldn't have been prouder of him when he did. I know it was hard for him.

He tried college a couple of times, but he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. So right now he works and lives with his mother, one of the kindest souls I've ever had the privilege to know. She needs him and he knows it. Sometimes I know he wants to leave, but he won't as long as she needs him to stay.

He knows how to make me smile no matter the circumstances. He knows how to listen and he knows how to talk (HOLY SHIT DOES HE EVER). =D

He's encouraged me through all my exploits in to photography and he cosplays with me and fangirls with me. He raves to the same music that I love and he's never said a negative thing about me. He does his best to make everyone around him happy and he's good at it.

He loves Invader Zim, Firefly, and the Legend of Zelda. Our video game parties are the best!

His dogs - Delilah and Satan - can be annoying, but I know he loves them.

"Bear," you better take care of my Jon. I love him, so don't you go breaking him.

This is Khrys, my twin's boyfriend. It's not the most... flattering(?) picture ever, but I freaking love it. So there it is. Khrys has dealt with a lot too. Seems to be a common theme, no?

His father mentally abused his mother so badly that eventually she left. Khrys then got to hear all about how it was his fault the whole time he was growing up. I really hate his father. He used him, abused him, and I feel like he doesn't give a shit about him. And I don't understand how.

Khrys is amazing. He really is. No matter how many women came and went in his father's life, he stayed strong even though I know it was hard. His personality is one of resilience. He's loud and boisterous and he lets his wants and needs be known. At least around his friends anyway. Around others he can be shy and rather withdrawn, but I almost never see that side of him. One might even say he's somewhat demanding and he loves attention. It's what makes him Khrys.

He's loved my twin for such a long time and I know that it's really love. I don't care if it's some sort of sin or anything. They take care of one another and that's what matters. End of story.

This is Rachel. I've also known her since sophomore year of high school.

Rachel is an interesting character. She's jumped back and forth from men to women and changed her mind about various things so many times it makes my head spin. She doesn't always get the facts right when she tells you things, but her heart is generally in the right place. She's fiercely loyal to her friends and I respect her a lot for it. She's made a lot of serious life changes over the years and sometimes I don't understand the things she does. But I love her and that's what matters. She and Tarsis have been together for at least a year (perhaps 2?) and they're still going strong. They both have very strong opinions about just about everything and are very open about their feelings. Sometimes I don't always want to know, but there's never a dull moment to be had when they're around.

She's another of my favorite models, and I'm sure anyone could see why. She's a unique and beautiful soul and I love her no matter what she does.

This is Kristy, another of my adopted siblings. My little sister is a nut. An absolute nut. She loves everything related to Japan and Disney. Good things to love. She loves anime and manga and she's a pretty decent cosplayer. She always finds reasons to be happy and gets through even the worst of times without bringing those around her down. I remember when her grandfather died, God rest his soul, she texted me to tell me. When I asked her if there was anything I could do for her or her family, all she said was she was glad I cared and that I listened while she told me how she was feeling. She tries not to make her problems anyone else's problem and that's a quality I think we could all use a bit more of.

I don't know what she's going to do once she graduates from high school, but the world had better look out! It won't know what's hit it. =)

(She is bi-sexual, just for the record.)

I could go on and on and on, sharing stories of so many more people. I don't want to completely clog up the page with my sentimentality, so I'll just share a couple more pictures and the names attached.

This is Megan (the one in the back). She is one of the dearest friends I have ever had. She left an abusive, unloving home and is now on her way to becoming an engineer. I am SO proud of her. ♥ (And, just for the record, she is bi-sexual as well.)

I haven't known Engel nearly as long as I would like, but she's a kind and sweet girl. She, too, has had a lot of hardship in her life, but it doesn't stop her from loving everyone around her.

Saki is crazy! I love her soooo much. She works hard in school and balances volunteer work with lots of drama and other things. She cares about her family above all else. I'm proud to call her my friend.

Amelia and I go way back. It's hard to remember a time that I didn't know her, but we really haven't known each other all that long. She was on stage crew when I was in shows. We've been through a LOT of shit together. It's taken some fighting, laughter, and tears, but our friendship has survived, even when we didn't talk for almost 2 years. None of it matters now and I'm so grateful to have her back.

I could go on and on forever. I really could. But I won't. I'll leave it here with these wonderful people that I am blessed to know. My life would be so much less colorful and beautiful without them. I would never be where I am now without my amazing and wonderful nakama.

Don't you see the love in their faces? The joy? Do you think their being gay makes them any less human? Any less loving or loved? It doesn't. How could something like that take away from the beautiful souls inside them?

I want to remind you all that "gay" is not a dirty word. It's not disgusting or embarrassing. It's a state of being. That's all. They shouldn't be AFRAID of telling the world their own stories. "Coming out" shouldn't be such a big deal.

I can't imagine the pain some of these beautiful people have felt when people they loved - be it a mother, brother, friend, or whomever - rejected them when they trusted them enough to tell them a secret that scared them. How would you feel if someone did that to you?

Why should it be a secret? It only causes pain.

Again, my opinion on the political side of this doesn't matter. I just want everyone to be happy and know that they are loved. Because you are! All of you are beautiful and wonderful and so very precious. The world would be a much darker place if the light in your hearts were to suddenly be gone.

Stay strong. The world will get better. Things WILL work out as long as someone has a voice and speaks for those who are shamed in to silence.

Who do you know? We all know someone. Whose stories can you share?

I want to hear them all.

Let me leave you one last thing.

This is my favorite picture out of the thousands and thousands that I've taken in my life. Pictured are Jon and Rachel, both of whom I talked about in this blog entry.

Have you seen many things more beautiful than this? I haven't, and I've been all over the world looking. Their love and joy are plain on their faces. They add color to the world and it's beautiful.

There is no greater beauty than the love between two humans, no matter what direction it's coming from and no matter the connotation it has.

My religious views don't matter. They're still people and I still love them, no matter whom else they choose to devote their own love to.

I don't care if you think I am wrong. You may say so, but please do it respectfully. I don't try to bring you down for what you think and I expect the same level of respect from all of you. This is a difficult subject for me to talk about because of my religion and my personal beliefs. It's always created conflict in my heart, but I choose to put it aside and stand up for the ones I love. To me, that's far more important.

I am not their judge, just as they are not mine. That's God's job. Mine is to do all I can for all my brothers and sisters in this world, and for now this is the best I can do besides loving them with all my might.

Thank you all for being my friends.

♥ ♥ ♥

"It Gets Better"

My friend BreiAnne shared this video with me this morning. I don't generally approve of the things Obama does, but this really renewed my faith in him. He had no obligation to say anything that he said here, but he did anyway. He does love our country, I know that.

It makes me so sad to think about all those kids who are dead now because of the hatred others show them. It makes no sense. If we think they're wrong about something (be it sexuality or anything else), we shouldn't hate them for a difference in opinion or lifestyle. I don't agree with a lot of things people do, but I don't have to. It's not my life they're living, it's their own.

Being a member of a fairly conservative church gives me a different perspective of the issue than many have. It's so hard. I know that. It's hard when people hate you for being who and what you feel you really are. I know what it's like to struggle through the harsh, ignorant, and spiteful words of others.

But Obama is right. It WILL be better. I really believe that.

My stance on the issue doesn't even matter. Whether I agree or disagree with gay marriage or anything else doesn't matter. SO many friends of mine are gay. My own twin is gay and I love him still. He's still a wonderful person and an amazing friend and I trust him above nearly everyone else. I don't like it when people put him down. His feelings are just as human as anyone else's. When he cries, his tears are water and salt, just like everyone else's. When he laughs or smiles, the world knows his joy, just as they know it when anyone else laughs or smiles.

I want a better world for him and for everyone. We're not all going to agree on everything. It's just not human nature. But does it really matter? Can't we just agree to disagree and get on living our lives in peace?

Why is it that people who are so outspoken against the war in the Middle East are so eager and willing to start a civil war in their own country? People are cut down. Lives are lost. Futures vanish in the blink of an eye.

Why?

Bullying and hate need to stop and it needs to stop NOW.

I don't want any more mothers and fathers to bury their children. I don't want brothers and sisters to feel the emptiness of a lost sibling. Loved ones should be allowed to stay together.

Hypocrisy kills me. I really hate it. I do.

I have a question for all of you.

Let's say being gay is not a sin. For argument's sake. Let's just go with that. But let's say acting on those feelings are.

How is that any worse than the straight man who watches pornography and ends up destroying his family because he can't stay faithful to his wife?

How is it worse than the man who beats his wife? Than the wife who screams at and hits her children?

How is it worse than the liar or the thief that almost all of us have been at one time or another?

If you think it's a sin, fine. Think so.

But just remember. No one hates you for your sins. No one throws it in your face and says you're going to hell for something you don't even recognize as a problem.

So stop. Just stop.

We live in a country that is proud of itself for offering freedom and liberty to all.

You may have a freedom of speech, but also keep in mind that everyone has the freedom to live. Life is a God-given right to EVERYONE. When you push someone to the edge and do things that make them want to kill themselves, you are taking that right away from them. YOU.

People don't commit suicide because everyone loves them.

Just think about it. Think of how many faces you would never know if this hatred continues.

I love my friends. I love my twin. Who wouldn't? They're wonderful and amazing people, each with his or her own story to tell.

Stop hating. Stop teasing and taunting. It doesn't help anyone. It especially doesn't help you.

Grow up. Realize that people are different for a REASON.

Love. Don't hate. Please.

Leave my family alone.

Audience

I forgot to add something earlier that I think is important.

My stats say that I have almost twice as many readers in Denmark than I do from my own country, the USA. The UK is only one short of the US and I've finally reached two of my favorite countries in the world - France and Germany.

Thank you everyone for reading! It really warms my heart and makes me feel accomplished somehow, knowing other people are reading my blog.

Please leave your comments and tell me what you think of the things I write. I'd love to hear from you all.

Thanks again!

Merci beaucoup!

Vielen Dank!

(Anyone know how to say that in Danish?)

♥♥♥

NanoWriMo - Character Development

This part of Nano usually comes later for me, but this time around I have SO many characters that it seemed like a good idea to start some of this early, especially for the deeper (or really the sadder) stories.

The first one I want to work on is the first one I came up with. This story really started off the whole project and gave me the idea to make several shorter stories instead of making it one really long story. This one was just too much for me to do as a novel in and of itself, though I have enough ideas that I could. It just seemed more meaningful as a shorter story.

This story has two tentative, working titles at the moment. I'm not a huge fan of either, but you get the idea. It's called "Brothers" and "Always Half, Never Whole."

Brief Summary:

Jonathan is in a very bad accident (details TBD) and will not be able to recover. His father, a renowned surgeon, attempts to save him. He can't save him as a whole (due to a massive and vague head injury that damaged his brain) so he splits him in to 2 humanoids, John and Nathan, each with half of what the human child was.

They have no memory of ever being Jonathan and so continue their lives as new people. Nathan is perfectly content to live his simple life, going to school and being with his father and brother. John, on the other hand, is not. He longs to be human and know what it's like, so when he can't find a way, he gives up everything, leaving Nathan alone.

The story takes off from there and watches Nathan struggle to be half of the entire whole. In the end he can't manage it and decides to find his brother in the next life, whatever that may be. And if there isn't one, then he sees no reason to continue on in misery anyway.

SO! Very depressing. There are fewer depressing stories in my book than not. Have no fear! This one just happens to be my favorite.

The development of Nathan's character is easy for me. He's very simple and easy to me to understand. He's at his happiest when those around him are happy. He wants nothing more than to be with his father and brother and live his life. He thinks he's relatively selfless because all his actions revolve around making others happy, but when John dies he discovers he's extremely selfish. All he wants is to be happy himself, and he doesn't know how to be happy without his brother there. He knows his death will (no pun intended) kill his father, but he can't make that more important than satisfying his own wants.

John is a little harder. Here's what I have in my notes:

"John. Teenaged humanoid. He wants to know what it’s like to be human. He hates being different and thinks everyone despises him for being a part of their “perfect world.” He feels like a stain on a white carpet that everyone wants to be rid of."

It's important, but that's not all of it. He's so complex... and it's hard to get in to his head. I'm much more like Nathan or Sara (the friend who tries to stop Nathan) than John. I looked around for something to inspire me. Here's something I found that helped a bit:

This picture was found here. I don't own the drawing, nor do I own the original picture that this is based off of.

Anyway. This seemed to fit because one brother (the one on the right) is looking at the camera and seems content and grounded. The other (left) isn't paying any attention to what's around him and is staring off in to space, probably dreaming about something better.

It gives me a visual reference, I guess, but I'm trying to steer clear of "reference photos." I feel boxed in when I have them, so this is a feeling reference, I suppose.

GAH! Unfortunately I'm now completely out of time. I slept in until 9 - WAY LATE - and have gotten nothing done since except to clean up and partially cough up my lungs. Fun, eh? =P

So before I run off and leave this be until another time (probably tomorrow), I'm going to post 2 videos for songs that have really helped me with this one. Interpret their purpose as you like. =) That I'll keep to myself for now.

Tschüss!

Spring Nicht Official Music Video from Scream TH on Vimeo.

Note: This is an edited version of the video. In the original, he falls off the roof at the end (in addition to his other selves walking away and disappearing). I couldn't find a good quality video of that version, so I posted this one instead. The fall is important to me, though.

Procrastination...

I does it.

I was playing around with my webcam and this was the best one I got. It's a light from a keychain my uncle gave me, pointed directly at the camera.

It kinda looks like a blue planet exploded... and the moon is about to get it. Lol.

Or perhaps... that's no moon. >:3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

OH! Really quickly.

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY GARRETT!!!! ♥♥♥♥

He's one of my dearest friends and he is currently serving a mission for our church in Finland.

It's been over 2 years since I saw him last. It's pretty crazy sometimes, to realize how much time has passed. It feels like forever ago and yet only a second ago at the same time. Funny how that works, isn't it?

He gets back either late in November or early in December. I may have to wait until January to see him. He lives in Vegas and that's about a 6 hour drive from here. (Our country is HUGE!!!) I don't know if I'll have the time or motivation to go all the way down there haha.

He's sent me more recent pictures since this one, but I haven't scanned any of them.

So there you go! One of my best friends. =) If any of you are in Finland (I believe he's in Kerava right now) and happen to meet an Elder Hybarger, send my love his way.

I'm so glad he'll be home soon. I miss him. =)

I hope, my dear friend, that your birthday today is the best one EVER (even though it's already half over for you haha).

NaNoWriMo - part 3 (self publishing and the like)

Well. The exam was extremely easy. I think everyone finished in under 30 minutes. And after my interview today, I'll be done with that class! Yay! It was starting to get to me. I love being done with block classes haha.

Right now I am continuing to procrastinate doing my other homework. Reading 20-some pages of analyzing art is not my cup of tea, so I'm putting it off. Haven't even made it through 2 pages and am already bored out of my mind. At least it's in English though... If it were in French, I'd never make it haha. I still have 3 hours to get it done though. There are only 2 questions this time, so that's not too bad.

French Civ exam #3 opens tomorrow. Blech. Not fun. At least my project proposal is done, printed, and ready to go. I'm way behind on my Isaiah project, but it's alright. Hopefully I'll get to work on that some time this week. That and maybe get in SOME hours for work. I didn't get in any last week. Boo!

I really want it to be November... Nano will make me incredibly happy and will give me something fun to do.

As for the book as a whole...

I really want to try to tie in some of the stories to one another and give it some more continuity, since I'm lacking a little in that department. I mean, a series of short stories is great, especially because they have a common theme, but tying them together makes it seem more polished and thought out. At least I think it does.

So far all I have is a connection to "Junkyard" and "The Creator." I want Jim (the creator himself) to hear about the Junkyard incident and then to go and try to fix the Androids that were killed in the events preceding it. I don't know if I'll come out and say it upright, but it will at the very least be strongly implied.

I really want to post things about my book online here, but I have 2 issues with doing so.

1. Idea theft.

I'm not too worried about that because I don't think many of my ideas make sense to other people right now. Lots of them are still in picture form and have very little solidified as of yet. Plus I don't think many people are that desperate. If someone could do something with just my basic ideas, they'd be creative enough to come up with their own story and therefore wouldn't need mine.

The second is more important.

2. "Self publishing"

I always want to leave the option open to getting my work published some day and if you "self publish" it's MUCH harder to achieve this. Since this book can be however long or short I choose it to be, based on the number of stories I write, it wouldn't be a particularly difficult one to conceive of getting published one day. So yeah... I don't want to run the risk of not being able to do that because I posted too much of it on the nets.

Rawr. Silly publishing companies.

I noticed that, since I started writing about Nanowrimo, my audience has tripled! Thanks everyone for reading my blog :) I really appreciate it. I'd really love to hear from my readers. As of yet, my blog has 0 comments and it makes me a little sad. So if you have a second, leave a comment please. I'd love to hear from you!

Maybe once I finish my French homework (and maybe read for Isaiah as well haha) I'll update with more stuff about my book. I need to develop several of my characters a LOT more. I have general ideas for stories and I know HOW my characters will respond to their situations, but I have very little idea about the WHY of it all. It seems important to me.

Anyway. I'm REALLY stalling. I need to get back to work.

Only 2 more months of this semester!! It's kind of hard to believe it's already half over. =3 Oh how time flies.

Bye friends!

NanoWriMo - part 2

I should be studying for my first final which is in... just over 2 hours. But I just don't have the motivation right now. So hi blog!

So, Nano story is already going under construction. I decided to take out the story "The Little Tailor." It's all fine and good, I just can't make it interesting enough. It'll probably be condensed and used as an intro.

To replace it, I came up with "The Mind of the Machine." But more on that later.

I started going through all the music I want to use as inspiration/mood setters for when I'm actually writing next month. I haven't even gone through 1/3 of the stuff on my hard drive, but it's alright. It'll give me something to do for the next couple of weeks.

Can you believe October will be over in just 2 weeks? Crazy, isn't it? Two weeks from now is November 1st! GAh!! So excited =D

I'm starting to solidify character names and basic personality outlines as well. Those are always subject to change, even while writing. It's pretty rare that I change names once I've started writing, but personality and background stuff change all over the place.

But anyway! Music!

I would LOVE to make playlists for each chapter/story section, but most of the music I use can't be found online at places like playlist.com. Amazing site, but my music taste is a little strange. So still looking in to that.

Does anyone know of a site where you can upload your own music to playlists? I don't want to make individual ones in my iTunes, though that is also an option. What do you guys do?

Here's what I have so far. It's all raw and hasn't been fine-tuned AT ALL, so many of these songs have the distinct possibility of a non-future on my list. But we'll see.

I look through the files that are sorted according to artist, so if it seems skewed in the early-alphabiet direction, that's why. I'll get to the later ones (hopefully) when I have the time. ^^;; haha.

"Lovers Scorned"

• "If I apologised" from Mirrormask
• "Wishing you were somehow here again" from the Phantom of the Opera
• "I'm with you" by Avril Lavigne
• "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne
• "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne
• "The Scientist" by Coldplay
• "Enchantment Passing Through" from Aida (the musical, not the opera)
• "Radames' Letter" from Aida
• "Goodnight Julia" from Cowboy Bebop
• "Rain" from Cowboy Bebop

"Junkyard"

• "Baroque" by Malice Mizer
• "Path, vol. 2" by Apocaliptica
• "Go" by Asia
• "Requiem for a Dream" by Clint Mansell
• "The City is at War" by Cobra Starship
• "Otherworld" from Final Fantasy X
• "Crawling in the Dark" by Hoobastank
• "Down with the Sickness" from "Queen of the Damned"
• "Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett
• "Epiphany" from Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
• "Rakuen" from DNAngel
• "City of Angels" by the Distillers

"Brother" or "Always Half, Never Whole"

• "Silver and Cold" by A.F.I.
• "Learn to be Lonely" from the Phantom of the Opera (film version)
• "Kiss Me Goodbye" (both English and Japanese versions) by Angela Aki
• "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Mis.
• "Javert's Suicide" from Les Mis.
• "Crawling in the Dark (Studio Version)" by Hoobastank
• "Frozen Flower" from DNAngel
• "Darkness" by Darren Hayes
• "Mad World (Full Version)" from Donnie Darko

"Heart(h) and Home"

• "Jinsei no merry-go-round" from "Howl's Moving Castle"
• "Koe" by Tsukiko Amano
• "You Showed Me" by the Backstreet Boys (yeah I know. It's a good song though, so no hatin')
• "Wandering" from Final Fantasy X (I think...?)
• "Caged Bird" from DNAngel
• "Mitsumeru Saki Ni Wa" from DNAngel

"Dancer in the Street"

• "[jibberish from non-transfered Japanese text] - Acoustic Version" from DNAngel
• "Boku wa Koko ni Iru" from "Full Metal Alchemist"
• "True Color" by Cyndi Lauper
• "Blackbird" from "I Am Sam" (remake of the Beatles' song)
• "風の辿り着く場所" from/by I Have No Freaking Clue
• "Ave Maria" - Cowboy Bebop Version

"Curiosity"

• "The Sore Feet Song" by Ally Kerr
• "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" by The Backstreet Boys
• "I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme)" from "Treasure Planet," written and performed by Jonny Resnick
• "Flying Teapot" from Cowboy Bebop
• "Yagami Light's Song" from DeathNote

"Serenity/1000 words/Simon Says (Nothing)"

• "Shape of my Heart" by the Backstreet Boys
• "Sayonara Solitaire" from Chrno Crusade
• "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Mis
• "Always Know Where You Are" from Treasure Planet, performed by 98 Degrees(??)
• "Green Bird" from Cowboy Bebop
• "Flying Teapot" from Cowboy Bebop

"Asylum"

• "Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette
• "Misera Cantare" by A.F.I.
• "Sekai no Yakusoku" from... uh....?
• "Introduction (Titles)" from "Edward Scissorhands," written by Danny Elfman
• "Darkness" by Darren Hayes
• "Opening Titles including Underground" from "Labyrinth," written and performed by David Bowie
• "Enter Sandman" by Metallica
• "Suffering Planet (remix)" from Final Fantasy 7 (originally)

"The Creator"

• "I Know He Lives" by April Meservy
• "Clocks" by Coldplay
• "Don't Give Up" by Eagle Eye Cherry
• "Concerning Hobbits" from "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"
• "Higher" by Creed
• "If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield

"The Mind of the Machine"

• "Easy as Life" from Aida
• "The Alchemic World - Two Years Thereafter" from "Conqueror of Shamballa," a sequel film for Full Metal Alchemist
• "Caged Bird" from DNAngel
• "Let Me Be Your Wings" from Thumbellina

Generic Music That Has No Specific Category but that Seems Useful in Some Way or Another:

• Same acoustic version as "Dancer in the Street"
• "Prelude 12/21" by A.F.I.
• "La Chanson d'Azmaria" from Chrno Crusade
• "Zanarkand" from Final Fantasy X
• "The Sending" from Final Fantasy X
• "One Day More" from Les Mis
• "Finale" from Les Mis
• "Music of my Heart" from "Music of the Heart," performed by N*SYNC with Gloria Estefon
• "Not One of Us" from "The Lion King II: Simba's Pride"
• "Heaven (Candlelight Remix)" by DJ Sammy and Yaonu

WOW That's a TON of music. This almost seems like spam haha. But there's so much music!!! It's insane.

I love this haha.

Ok. Procrastination over. Must study. Test at 9 and I have to leave in just over an hour. Yay!!

Wish me luck =3

Consideration of the... month?

Originally I was going to have a "consideration of the week" and, as the name implies, change it every week or so.

That was about a month ago. Whoops.

Here's my first one since I don't have it copied down anywhere.

""[Teachers] can explain that the students will not be expected to comprehend every word [of the language being taught], but should strive to understand the general meaning of what the teacher says, much as they would do if they were sojourners in a country in which the target language is spoken."

- Blair E. Bateman, 2008

Student teachers and new instructors often feel intimidated by the students and feel they should slack up a bit in the use of the target language. I believe this is not the case, and this quotation is one of many ways to avoid such an outcome.

(My first thought was to say "to avoid such tomfoolery," but that seemed a little facetious.)"

Now... for my next one? I'm not sure. So much considering!!

Oh... I know... >:3 Eevil smile mwahaha.

NaNoWriMo

This year, I am once again going to try NaNoWriMo. I've made it twice I think and attempted it 3 times so far. Last year I didn't make it because of how sick I was. Not a fun time.

Anyway.

NAnO! I'm excited :3 I just wish November weren't so far away. Well, at least as far as that's concerned. As far as school work... November can just stay as far away from me as possible XD I have 2 major projects and a presentation for work and I have to write a chapter for a book we're presenting to the Dean of the Education Department. Stressful! Plus whatever other assignments and exams my professors feel like throwing at me haha. So yeah.

This year, I'm very set in my story. Most of the pieces are in place, I just have to start playing. Ironic... I hate playing the waiting game and yet that's what I'm doing.

This year, my book is called "Humanoid City." I'm not gonna say too much about it right now because I have no "off" button when it comes to my books. =P

Here's the info I have on my Nano page:

"Humanoid City" is a set of short stories all taking place in the same city on the Border Lands. There are different neighborhoods and many different lives, each with their own stories to tell. Each story is about the struggle between humans, androids, and humanoids (a mixture of the two). Everyone is different, and that's what makes them human whether they look like it or not.

Story Titles (subject to change and in no particular order):

1. The Little Tailor
2. Lovers Scorned
3. Junkyard
4. Half and Never Whole
5. Hearth and Home
6. Dancer in the Street
7. Curiosity
8. Serenity / 1000 Words / Simon Says (Nothing)
9. Asylum
10. The Creator

Yay!

I can't say too much about it because I don't want to be in danger of "self publishing" because then I can't go many places with my finished product.

If anyone out there is also doing Nano, please add me as a Writing Buddy! I love sharing this experience with other people.

For those of you that don't have ANY idea what I'm talking about, here's the idea:

NaNoWriMo stands for Nation Novel Writing Month. In the month of November, we are challenged to write 50,000 words of a novel that we start on Nov. 1st and no sooner. It's crazy but it's SO much fun. It gives me all the motivation I need to start writing again.

I find that, when I have too much to do, I somehow get it all done. But when I don't have very much I tend to get NOTHING done. Weird, isn't it?

Anyway. I'm just excited :3

A lot of my inspiration comes from Tokio Hotel, to be honest. It's a confusing story, but I came up with the idea when I was trying to remember song lyrics of theirs from a song that was stuck in my head. Then I remembered that the name of their tour for their newest CD (Humanoid) was called "Humanoid City." It really has nothing to do with them other than that, but the name inspired me, as does their music on occasion.

I also find that several pictures of theirs or those made by their fans give me ideas about the city itself and the way I think the people in it would look.

Here are some pictures that inspire me (since I haven't put up any pictures in a while):

Disclaimer: These are not my photos. They are pictures I found on the internet. I don't know where many of them came from since I simply did a Google Image Search.

This one is one of my favorites. The man here looks very much unreal and mechanical... until you look at his face. Then he doesn't seem so "inhuman" after all.

This one is just beautifully shot. The gears are well placed and the colors are soft and cold at the same time. I chose this one because her tears are oily and obviously inhuman when, apart from the tiny gears on her cheek, she looks completely human.

I like this one because it's simple. The unpolished feel of it is what makes it beautiful. The red of his heart is the only color he has, but I think it's the only color he needs.

This is my favorite. I don't know if it's "official" or not, but I don't care. I love many things about this. The colors and lighting are very warm except on his mechanical parts. His skin and his shirt look like they've absorbed the light, but his inner machine merely reflects it and doesn't take it in. To me, it looks like he's checking to make sure no one can see him. It also illustrates for me that "beauty is skin deep." When you tear away his skin, he's a different kind of beautiful. One that is raw and exposed and deep and has nothing at all to do with the face above. Even the skin on his arm is cut away a little. It's beautiful to me.

So anyway! That's all I have for now. I'm going to start compiling music for this project soon. Yay! =D I'll post song lists and things later when I can. I can't post music here as far as I know, but I can at least post song names and maybe YouTube links or something.

A lot of the music I'm going to use will probably be German. As stated, that's mainly what I listen to. But we'll see. I'm going to go through all my music archives and not just the stuff on my hard drive right now.

Wish me luck on my crazy endeavor! =D I'm excited haha.

Memories - lots of them

Now I remember why I never actually sort through my external hard drive when I say I will. It's far too full of memories.

Pictures of places I'll probably never see again, friends I no longer speak to, times and relationships that are lost but that still have a place in my heart too dear to me for words. Re-reading words I wrote so long ago. A more innocent and care-free me who doesn't deal with the same stress and worry that I carry now.

Her burdon seems so much easier to me. I can't compare my two selves because everything was so different back then. I'll never know how things would be had I made different choices, but I wonder about it sometimes.

It makes me think... walking back through my own life.

I can hear the ocean again. I can hear the French farmers rioting and the German kids screaming when their country won another football game in the World Cup.

I can almost see those places when I think about it. I can smell them. And the people... the cats and cigarettes and laundry detergent... I can hear Jake crying in the next room, only a few months old again.

I can hear Emily and Brittany laughing by the lake on the day we met. I remember Lake Erie with nothing but fondness and loving thoughts. I met my family there.

I can watch my brother walking away, not to come home for 2 long years. That was the first day he ever really hugged me and told me he loved me.

I can remember the sight of the scars, Mell, when you showed them to me for the first time.

I can remember you, Amelia, telling me you almost jumped off the scaffolding back in 11th grade.

I can remember you, Zack, getting drunk and telling me more about your ex-girlfriends than I ever needed to know.

I remember painting your daughter's room, Missi, and suffering through the August heat with laughter and a small feeling of accomplishment.

I remember our kiss in the rain. I remember telling you how soft your hands were, how smooth. You laughed and said girls are silly and I didn't even mind. Your presence just made me smile, even though I thought that would be the last time I saw you. You whom I promised to forget.

I remember you, Celeste, leaving your daughter in my arms while you ran off with some man, not telling me when or if you'd be back and not leaving me any instructions at all. Not even a phone number.

I remember, Wesley, when you told me she was pregnant and all our friends hated you. She told me you loved me and thought of me when you were with her. I felt violated by your thoughts, but you wanted my sympathy and understanding. And I gave it to you.

I remember, Scar, when you asked me to run away with you. I'm sorry I couldn't. I would have loved to. I miss you so much. I'll never forget the day I helped you pack your life away in the back of a beat-up minivan, wishing your life would be better once you finally got away from your abusive mother.

I remember the dark hotel room, late at night in the middle of a convention when we really talked for the first time. So much has happened to us since then, hasn't it Donald? I wish things were easier for us both.

I remember the first time I heard your voice, Bill. You'll never know it, but it touched my heart in ways you'll never know. Your music was a comfort to me when I felt very alone. It... I don't even have the words. You got me through a very dark time in my life and I will always love you for that.

I remember watching a random and amazing movie with you, Sam and Forrest, laughing through it and quoting it for weeks afterward. Melinda always seemed like such a wonderful name after that.

I'm sorry I called you a pansy, Garrett, the last time I saw you. That was over two years ago now. You're one of the strongest men I know and I'm so honored to call you my friend. I love you so much and I'm glad we're still writing one another.

Sheldon... I didn't know how much I needed you when we met. You did so much for me and I feel so selfish and dense looking back at it. But I think you needed me too. I kept you from being a complete hermit haha. Every time I think back, I either laugh or want to cry. We had an amazing year together, didn't we? I think you're right. Our friendship is the kind that can survive just about anything, even a zombie apocalypse. That will start in northern Canada. I'll write to you soon.

I remember you, Tom, being little more than a voice on the phone that meant more to me than anything in the world. I'm sorry things aren't going to work out the way you would like. I don't have the strength to save you anymore.

I remember so many things. So many hard and painful things. So many nights when I didn't sleep, when I was curled up and crying in the corner but was too afraid to say anything about the demons in my head. I was never crazy, but I was dealing with so much when I was so young. I'm surprised I survived it.

I'll never forget when my brother told me he knew I wasn't alright back then. I want to forget the hurt in my heart when I swallowed my words and didn't ask why he said nothing.

I wish my history were less depressing and miserable sounding. I try not to remember it but when I do it all comes rushing back to me.

I should stop talking about this. It's depressing.

My Church

I don't often talk about my religion in the public domain. I don't like getting in to arguments when nothing is accomplished but that both sides are angry or hurt or... whatever. I like discussing, but it's pretty rare that strangers want to do anything more than hate me for what I know to be true.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and, almost 2 weeks ago now at our bi-annual general conference, President Packer said something that upset a lot of people, though it wasn't his intent.

He is a good and loving man and I know that he only had everyone's best interests at heart. I know it doesn't necessarily seem that way, but it's true. If you had listened to his tone of voice when he said the "offending words"... to me he sounded like a teacher (which he is by trade) and a concerned father looking out for his children.

I know my own father said a lot of things I didn't want to hear while I was growing up. He still does it, though thankfully not as often. Only last year he said some very harsh, and I thought hateful things to me that, now that I look back on it, were exactly the things I needed to hear. It saved me from a very terrible life and a disastrous marriage. I don't often like to talk about it, but I'll make the rare exception.

Often, our caretakers feel compelled to tell us things we don't like to hear because they only want what's best for us. They want us to be happy even if the path is a very difficult one to take.

I'd go in to greater detail, but I'm too tired. This fever has seriously worn me out.

One more thing though. Someone posted this quote on a facebook page and I really liked it, so I thought I'd pass it on.

Bye friends!

‎"The church is like a great caravan traveling through the desert. At times desert animals nip at the heels of those traveling in the caravan; desert thieves try to rob and harm the members of the caravan, but the caravan goes on nothing can stop it. That is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Nothing can stop the truth from going forward. We are either part of the caravan or we will be left behind, but the church will go forward. I want to be a part of the caravan" Bruce R. McConkie.